So I finally made the decision to end an extremely toxic relationship about 1 1/2 months ago. We lived together and, after months of major drama, I woke up and realized “Hey…I don’t need this!” and said good bye. We still talk, and have hung out a few times since…and I kick myself every time, because there is still an attraction there. It’s hard to let go…but now that he’s out of my apartment, it’s a lot easier to set boundaries.
So I’ve been feeling good about being single. I get to sleep in the middle of my kick ass bed, can go do whatever I want, whenever I want. Of course I am open to dating guys…just taking it VERY slow and just having fun…hey, we’re all adults here, it’s ok to play around a little!
Previous boyfriends, crushes, guy friends….they have all started to come around again. It’s like I have a fucking beacon on my head that sends out a signal that I’m “available.” I mean c’mon guys…it’s kind of obvious what the goal is….and sometimes I fall for it…and then I end up feeling like an idiot. The worst ones that get me are the guy “friends” I have who suddenly reveal that they’ve had feelings for me for quite some time….and decide to reveal it NOW….now, when I am not ready for a relationship?!? Seriously?
It always from the perspective of “hey, I’m single and so are you…and there’s tension, so why not release it?” Apparently, men don’t think about what the end result could be, like…I don’t know…someone ends up hurt, and then the friendship is completely messed up.
Case in point…been friends with this great guy for about ten years…used to work with him. Have always thought he was attractive, awesome…but I somehow thought he was out of my league…and I was married and in relationships (as was he) for most of our friendship.
We hung out in early winter, during a time when my boyfriend and I had broke up…which ended up being a temporary deal. I remember going out for drinks, lounging on his couch, listening to records…it was awesome…and I had no clue. Fast forward about three weeks ago…he calls says “it’s a dangerous time”…meaning he’s sexually frustrated, and wants to hang. I’m still naive…thinking to myself “well, maybe we’ll get drunk and flirt or whatever…but no way is anything physical going to happen.”
Four blood orange margaritas (me) and I don’t know how many vodka-soda water things (him)…the tension become more intense, and comes the revelation that he is attracted to me…and has been for years…and was hoping something would happen a few months back! WHAAAAAT? So of course I’m questioning this..telling him he’s drunk, has no concept of what he’s saying, etc…but he’s consistent in his answers.
Go back to his place… some stuff happens…it was awesome…totally lived up to my expectations. Go to work the next day…sit down…and suddenly I kind of panic…”Oh God….what did I do?!?” and I’m pretty sure he was thinking the same thing.
We’ve hung out once since then…texted a few times…but it’s looking like he feels he made a mistake. So that stings and makes me feel like an idiot. But, it may be something different, like he thinks I’m backing off…or whatever. It bothers me that I’m even entertaining this, and these feelings I surpressed long ago have resurfaced….yep, I’m a sucker. Now is the friendship doomed if this akwardness continues???
I am way too chicken shit to bring this whole situation up…and I have no clue if he ever will…so it’s a little unnerving. He is truly one of my closest friends…so now what?
I am street smart, intellectual and witty…I “get shit”…but when it comes to all of this stuff…I am completely retarded. I never see the precursors, the “signs”…and now I am the one who has feelings and is afraid to reveal them….
Ain’t that a bitch…
I am going to do this differently….I am not going to force the issue or conversation to happen…and just continue to be friends unless he says something…in a sober state of mind…next time. That is the only way I would be ok with this…and any other proposition that comes my way….
…more to come…
