Since my last post, there have been many new revelations which have provided me with clarity…but also extreme confusion.
9/29-Went to see The Cold War Kids perform an acoustic set at Easy Street Records (awesome), then saw the full show at the Showbox (FUCKIN’ AWESOME). If you haven’t heard these guys, check em out. It was probably one of the best shows I have been to in awhile…and I’ve been to a lot of shows. I went with singer dude (see previous posts for more info) “as friends”…we both really like the band so why not, right? Dude…the confusion begins. He is now unsure of this relationship he went for “because it’s long distance.” The pattern continues…so he proceeds to flirt with me mercilessly the entire show…and, don’t get me wrong…it was fun, and it wasn’t going to go past that…well, I should’ve known better…the texing has resumed, and the temptation is there…I can’t do that again, I just can’t….but damn, I want to.
I have to learn to be ok with myself without having to receive attention from the male species. It has gotten me into a LOT of trouble lately…but easier said than done….thank God for therapy.
The rest of this past week has gotten even weirder. My ex found out I was seeing other people and suddenly had this epiphany that he had fucked up majorly and was going to smother and pursue me. I gotta hand it to him…he is really trying and really working on his behavior….but I don’t know if I can go back to the “in love” phase with him. He has been an emotional mess and, even though he denies it, is hoping we get back together. I have said that I am not sure what I want, but it’s not deterring him…I have repeatedly told him that this “change” needs to be consistant, and long term…but I wonder if I’ll even be convinced then? Then what do I do? Guess I just needs to wait and see…but it is an uncomfortable feeling. Seems like everytime I make a vow to be single, I allow this boys to come back and complicate my life….I do it to myself….”my pain is self-chosen.”
I dunno….I just feel alone and uncomfortable. I feel like no matter what direction I choose, I will hurt someone…but I should really focus on avoiding hurting myself rather than others.
Hmmmm, what else? Work’s wearing me out…and so are some of my coworkers. I’m really amazed at how snotty and rude people can be….to both our patients AND peers…it’s ridiculous and it takes every ounce of me not to give them the cold shoulder or tell them what I really think….grrr.
