So the drama continues…I am at a loss. The ex and I just can’t seem to get along, which is both of our faults…but damn, talk about cheap shots.
Some of my closest friends are people I met through him over a year ago when we first got together. They have become an important part of my life and I love them dearly. Since this break up started however, I haven’t been present at too many shindigs….partly because I wasn’t invited due to the ex being there, or because I just felt weird. We were a unit, and now we’re not. And, as much as I hate to admit it, it gets to me when he’s doing his own thing and seemingly ignoring me…so I choose to avoid those situations. He knows how to push my buttons, and right now he’s playing the “these are my friends” game and making me feel pretty left out. Now he’s saying that some of these friends have said I have changed somehow….yet can’t seem to articulate what or why they think that. It makes me feel like there’s some serious game playing going on and it hurts and angers me to no end.
The main concept of our relationship is “do as I say, not as I do.” The rules only apply to me, not to him. I am guilty of my own drama, and I’m trying to put it to rest but it’s starting up again.
People come into our lives for a reason….and as much as I sometimes wish I had never met the guy, I have to give him credit for introducing me to some amazing people…and for showing me what I DON’T want in a man. Still….I miss and mourn what I thought he was, what we were. It wasn’t real and we both convinced ourselves that it was.
So we’re stuck in this destructive mode…eye for an eye-type mentality. I just want to forget this and move on….but there are too many things that make this wish impossible.
I have realized that I know nothing about love or relationships…I need to redefine what those two concepts mean to me, because I want to truly be in love and have it be good, comfortable, and safe. Part f this will involve me being much more selective in the future….we’ll see.
