In good company… September 26, 2008

So yesterday afternoon was a total waste, plus I felt horribly ashamed of myself (see previous posting). Although I wanted nothing more than to get back into bed and forget about my day, I had plans. My friend, who’s quickly becoming more, had invited me to a play at the Seattle Repertory Theatre “The Night Watcher.” I’m not really into one-person plays, but he invited me and I wanted to show him that yes, I am sort of “cultured.”

The play wasn’t spectacular, but it was an interesting, true story….I am glad I checked it out.

Went home and quickly drifted to sleep. I’m now back at work, waiting for my patient to show up and kind of hoping she doesn’t so that I can get a much needed mocha and get down to business.

That was kind of a pointless blog, but whatever.

Welcome to my life…. September 25, 2008

So yesterday evening I went with my mom to this place, Theatro ZinZanni (sp?) for her 60th birthday. I was pretty sure that this was going to be the cheesiest thing ever….but it ended up being super fucking rad. It’s beasically a five course meal accompanied with circus, cabaret and comedy….just go, it’s worth the money.

So had an amazing time, blazed through about 2 bottles of red wine with my mom….drove home (way wrong choice) and ended up at my apartment trashed and laughing my ass off at my man friend who had stopped by…had amazing sex (at least that’s what I remember) and passed out….

I slowly opened my eyes this morning and felt a screaming headache coming on. It was 4am, almost time to get up so I headed back to bed for a minute….a long minute. Wake up again….it’s 10AM!!! I sort of panic, but go to my purse to get my phone to call into work….no fucking phone, NO GODDAMN phone. In my drunken stupor, I left that damn phone in the restroom. So I waltz into my office at 11am, and am totally ashamed of myself…I’m not a slacker but I am sure I look like one.

So here I am…totally unmotivated and about to go home. Grrrrr.

I also realized that my brother’s birthday is this Saturday….he would’ve been 26yrs old…total bummer. I feel bad for my mom, because her birthday is only a few days from his and I can only imagine how difficult it is. We had a “birthday party” for him last year….and I’m sorry, but it was just creepy and bizarre. Here we are, singing “Happy Birthday” over a cake….faking smiles…it was weird. This is going to sound impersonal, but there are no more birthdays for Tanner….he’s dead, gone…not getting older.

Anyway…yeah.

Is it me? September 24, 2008

So the drama continues…I am at a loss. The ex and I just can’t seem to get along, which is both of our faults…but damn, talk about cheap shots.

Some of my closest friends are people I met through him over a year ago when we first got together. They have become an important part of my life and I love them dearly. Since this break up started however, I haven’t been present at too many shindigs….partly because I wasn’t invited due to the ex being there, or because I just felt weird. We were a unit, and now we’re not. And, as much as I hate to admit it, it gets to me when he’s doing his own thing and seemingly ignoring me…so I choose to avoid those situations. He knows how to push my buttons, and right now he’s playing the “these are my friends” game and making me feel pretty left out. Now he’s saying that some of these friends have said I have changed somehow….yet can’t seem to articulate what or why they think that. It makes me feel like there’s some serious game playing going on and it hurts and angers me to no end.

The main concept of our relationship is “do as I say, not as I do.” The rules only apply to me, not to him. I am guilty of my own drama, and I’m trying to put it to rest but it’s starting up again.

People come into our lives for a reason….and as much as I sometimes wish I had never met the guy, I have to give him credit for introducing me to some amazing people…and for showing me what I DON’T want in a man. Still….I miss and mourn what I thought he was, what we were. It wasn’t real and we both convinced ourselves that it was.

So we’re stuck in this destructive mode…eye for an eye-type mentality. I just want to forget this and move on….but there are too many things that make this wish impossible.

I have realized that I know nothing about love or relationships…I need to redefine what those two concepts mean to me, because I want to truly be in love and have it be good, comfortable, and safe. Part f this will involve me being much more selective in the future….we’ll see.

Yeah….you do that. September 11, 2008

I am starting to wonder when my life will be drama-free? Seriously…listen to this shit. So my current roommate and I were very good friends. I had worked with him at my previous job, and when I needed a roommate, it seemed like the perfect fit.

I am not a perfect roommate. I am messy, my dog is messy and there was a lot of drama between my ex and I during the time both he (and the roommate) were living here. I had apologized profusely, asked the ex to move out….NONE of this was ever brought up as a problem by my roommate. He’s just as messy as I am, we had a good time hanging out and things were good…..then he got a girlfriend.

My roommate has a habit of being with girls that’s he’s not crazy about, but the women are so desparate that they’ll do whatever they can to keep this douchebag around. The end result is that he receives money, food, clothing, free trips, etc….he is NOT a handsome guy, and these women are usually older. He was set up by a friend of his, and had sai he wasn’t too stoked, but when the perks started rolling in, he changed his tune. Whatever, his love life is his business…if he wants to roll that way, cool. I had a lot of nights by myself since they were spending every waking minute together.

He is 30yrs old, chronic pot smoker, and has worked the same $12.00 per hour job for years. He has no bills, not even a checking account….but he was cool, or so I thought.

Last month, I asked for the rent via a text, since he wasn’t home….no answer….asked again, a vague answer, finally it’s revealed that he’ll have to pay mid-month….2wks late. I’m kind of annoyed…I mean, the dude is having everything paid for him by this chick….there’s really no excuse for it.

I must add that I have not held him to paying his half of the cable or his fair share if electricity…he’d kick in 1/3, because there were three people here….now there’s two, so he agreed that last month he’d start paying his half.

So this month rolls around, he pays rent on time…I send him a text reminding him of the utilities. I get a text back saying “FUCK YOU….you’re making me out to be a deadbeat and I’m not…I’m moving out.” WHAAAAAAAAAAT? He then proceeds to give me vague reasons as to why he’s moving out (mixed in with many expletives) and ends the evening saying “you need to think about the things you do.”

Ok….those who know me know I analyze my own behavior ALL the time. There was never a problem brought up before I simply asked him for the fucking money he owed me. I was surprised and pissed….this guy was my friend? He was going to bail….BECAUSE I ASKED HIM TO PAY?!?”

So last night I get a call from an old coworker…and guess what? The fucker is moving in WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND!!! Makes sense…he wanted out of here, didn’t have a good reason, so proceeded to create an issue just to get out. He has been with this chick for about a month….I guarantee you he’s smoozed his way in, and I am 99.9% sure he’s not having to pay rent.

So basically….I was friends with a shady, fake, moocher….he owes me a lot for utilities…and he’s bailing in 3 days….leaving me two weeks to find a new roommate. This could’ve been easily resolved….we had NEVER had a disagreement before this…he’s fucking crazy.

In a way though, this will be good. I am getting a roomie off of Craigslist…so I’ll feel more pressure to keep things tidy….let’s hope this next roommate isn’t a fake-ass man bitch. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Oh wow… September 1, 2008

So it’s been a minute since I posted something new…and FUCK…a lot of revelations, stress, and kick ass things have been going on. So try to follow me here…

Ok, let’s go back to last Thursday. The musician dude and I made plans for Sunday to hang. I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not to talk to him about what happened, and whether or not it was just a drunk moment or something more….I was truly thinking the latter based on the length of our friendship and the specific and genuine things he’s been saying to me. Thursday I went out with some old work colleages and got the unsettling truth….he’s a dick….he doesn’t know he’s a dick…but a dick nonetheless.

I hear that this is a pattern…he chases, he conquers, he backs off…but if you happen to get him in a “relationship”, he’ll stick it out for a few months and THEN end it…leaving the chick totally heartbroken. Then get this…after you’re gone and over it, he considers you “the one that got away.” So yeah…he’s got some issues to resolve. My friends both say that he let “a lot of awesome women go….don’t be a casualty….RUN.”

So Sunday comes around…and suddenly, a friend of his was in town “so we better reschedule.” Wow…I am truly an idiot. Yes, it was ONE time….yes, I had NO expectations at the time…yes, I was intoxicated…yes I said I didn’t want a relationship….but now that I know that I was just a conquest, I am hurt and feeling super used…and I don’t know if I can handle being his friend. I am definitely NOT having “the talk” with him now…it’s pointless and would probably make me feel more rejected. I am resentful, because these feelings I now have for him never would’ve surfaced had he not disclosed what he was feeling and intending. So here I am…feeling pretty icky about this whole thing.

Fast forward to four nights ago…he invites me over, it’s fun….and then, this dreaded subject comes up. He tells me he’s “really into someone”….and that it’s not me. This has been going on since August 2nd apparently. He says the chemistry between him and I is “undeniable”, but that he has to explore this other relationship. THEN he proceeds to call her while I’m there! So yeah…I left with this feeling of confusion, rejection…but also a sense of relief. I know now what he’s all about…and it sucks. He was a friend….we crossed that line….and now it’s weird….grrrrr…when will I ever learn?

Haven’t heard from him since then…and quite frankly, it’s ok….he’s simply not the guy for me….I know that now….but damn, I cant help but think what could’ve been.

 

Ah fuck it….who needs a drink?