…right? Mr. Wonderful is in California on a business trip, and staying for a few extra days. This is somewhat bothersome, because a mutual friend, and someone he’s always been sweet on, lives down there.
OK….someone slap me please. It’s not like this guy is my boyfriend, or that I even have a right to be suspicious! This is what irritates me…I wasn’t even into him until all this happened….until HE intitiated it. I know what it is…my lack of self-confidence. I appear to be super confident, outgoing and social. But underneath that, I am constantly wondering if people like me…if I’m good enough…if someone will stick around, for me….and most of the time, my answer is no. So, this leads me to hang on way too tight…and the dude feels understandably suffocated and backs off. So, I am making a conscious effort NOT to push shit with this guy….but c’mon, give me a fucking sign or something! I’m totally obssessing, aren’t I? I think this blog is an awesome outlet for my insanity…I’m less likely to project it on other people.
Ok, so back to the self-confidence thing. About ten years ago, I went from 135lbs to 201lbs in about a year. It was horrible…but that would happen if you have a chef for a husband! Ever since then, I have struggled. I’ve lost most of that weight…but I am no longer the toned, fit volleyball player that I once was…and I can’t seem to get over that. Whenever someone gives me a compliment…my thoughts are along the lines of “yeah, right…what do they want out of me” or “they’re just being nice” …I never take it face value and always question the motives behind the compliment….and certain people see that with my barrage of questions to put a confirmation on the compliment. It’s annoying and retarded…
So, I’ve stopped most of that…but it’s a constant struggle.
Oops….just got paged that I have a patient waiting…more later.
