Background check… August 14, 2008

I was sitting at my desk today, and the framed picture next to my computer caught eye. I stared for a brief moment, then was called to the lobby to get a patient. He’s a new patient of mine, but I feel like I know a lot of his story already. A few weeks back while doing his intake paperwork, he told me that his brother had recently died of a heroin overdose…

I had almost forgot…had almost been able to go for days without thinking about it…about him…and then I guy I don’t even know reminds me that I have a similar story.

June 2nd 2007…

I was getting ready to go out to a local bar to see a show. My cell phone rings and the caller id shows it’s my mom…which I tend to ignore if I’m busy because she’s talks endlessly. The voicemail icon pops up and I decide to check it. I hear my stepdad, telling me to call him “right away” and hear what I think is my mom laughing. So I call, and as the phone is ringing…I realize that she wasn’t laughing…she was sobbing…wailing actually….I knew why, I just knew. My hand starting shaking when I figured it out…then Ken answered…more wailing in the background…a pause that seems to last forever…”Syd….they found Tanner about a half hour ago…he was by himself.”

I remember dropping the phone and screaming…I couldn’t stand up…I couldn’t move. I remembered this feeling when Tan overdosed a few years back…except this time, no one had been there to save him. My heart hurt…and all I wanted at that very moment, was to hug him and see him…alive. That moment when you know that’s not going to happen is the worst feeling I have ever felt. I felt it at 12 yrs old when my dad died, and it felt that same way 15 yrs later.

Tanner was my baby brother, my only sibling…we loved like family, and we fucking fought like family. In recent years, we had bonded…become friends…best friends really. There were always interruptions…like when he discovered Oxy’s…then heroin…then Xanax and Klonopin…back to heroin…it was a cycle that I know all too well…but I was less patient and understanding with my brother than I am with patients. Three years ago, almost to the day, he was at inpatient treatment after a near fatal overdose. A healthy guy on life support for three days due to the massive amounts of drugs he consumed the night before (Xanax, Klonopin, Heroin, Methadone, Oxy’s). When they pulled the breathing tube out, his first words to me were “so what did you do with my pills…you didn’t throw them away did you?”

I had to be escorted out of the ICU because I nearly strangled him…how dare he…but hey, he got to sleep the entire time….he didn’t have to experience what his friends and family did. My parents spent $12,000 on inpatient treatment…he relapsed the day he got out. His addiction fucked with him…he’d beg for my sisterly help, then pull away when I reached out. I finally got sick of it…got sick of worrying constantly of being treated like shit, of not living my own life because I was consumed with his.

He got arrested for the first time…an assault charge…his insane girlfriend and him were kicking the shit out of each other and the neighbors called the cops. Tan called, his bitch girlfriend called…all wanting me to bail him out. I refused…and so did my mom thank God.

I went to the bail hearing…in walks Tan…red jumpsuit, disheveled, dope sick…unaware that I’m there. I got up the nerve to ask the judge to send him back to inpatient, get him on methadone…SOMETHING…a week earlier he had been telling me how badly he wanted to stop using and that if he could afford it, he’d go….so why not ask the county to pay for it? It was a no-go…

I’ll never forget Tan’s face…the look of betrayal…of hate. Just one week earlier, he was asking for help…now he was pissed that I asked, and even more enraged that I refused to bail him out. I mouthed “I love you Tan….I’m just trying to help you.” He rolled his eyes as he was being led out….that was the last time I saw him alive…and it fucks with me daily.

In the months that followed, we refused to speak to each other. He blamed me for his stint in jail, and for my ex-husband moving back to the East Coast (they had grown very close)…we were both stubborn and bitter. I think we were both asking the same question “Why weren’t you there to support me?” For once, I had wanted him to be there for me as I had been there for him so many times…but he couldn’t…the drugs needed him more. I didn’t see that…I just saw an asshole junkie of a brother who had used me.

I thought about him daily…I knew he was using…I knew his relationship with drugs and his girlfriend were killing him…and I thought about picking up the phone so many times…but I never did…I held out.

He called May 31st. I screamed at him…unleashed four months of resentment and sadness. He was calm for once…said he loved me “and we’re all we’ve got Syd…we gotta make this right ok?” I relented and begrudgingly agreed….it was not the best conversation on my end.

He had to go to work…said he loved me…asked, begged for me to call him back in the evening and made plans to go to lunch.

That was it…we were supposed to meet Saturday, June 2nd….he had already been dead for 12 hours. His roommate found him, face down, wedged between his bed and the dresser. He says he stood there for awhile watching Tanner to see if he was breathing….he wasn’t and his arms were splotchy and blue. He called my mom, then called 911…who made him go “check his mouth.” He pulled back Tan’s long hair and saw something no 21 yr old kid should see. His face purple from the blood settling in his face…eyes grey….you get the picture.

SPD came and treated Tanner like they would any typical junkie…my brother…treated like a fucking crime scene…trashing his room, walking over his body…fucked up shit.

The last time I saw Tanner was at the funeral home…it wasn’t right. He looked great actually…but he shouldn’t have been laying there lifeless. He made the choice to play with his life…he knew not to mix heroin and Xanax….WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT ANYWAY?!? Because he was an addict…the goal is to push the limit…and he assumed that because he’d done it before, he could do it again….great pharmacist right? He had every intention of waking up…I know this is the depth of my soul. I am thankful that his last moments were oblivious to him…that he didn’t panic or struggle…he just drifted to sleep. 24years old….goddammit. Why him? Why our family? Haven’t we suffered enough? But it wasn’t about us…it was about Tanner struggling practically his whole life…and he struggle ended before he had lost all his friends, alienated his family, lost his home…etc. Obviously God saw that the outcome for Tanner would never be sobriety and decided to show some mercy on his soul….that’s the only way I can justify this without wanting to freak the fuck out.

So I have those picture in my office to remind me…to show a little extra care to the young guys who come into my office, to show the patience that I never could with Tanner. I see his gorgeous face..his infectious smile….I feel his energy from those pictures…he was almost to good to be true…to everyone. Patients ask about him…”oh how old is he?” I always say he “would have been” 25….and that’s usually opens the door to a little discussion. Ironically, it’s ALWAYS the young guys who see his picture and ask about him…

His smile makes me smile…then my eyes well up and I try to fight the incredible feeling of sadness and guilt. It wasn’t my job to save him…and I know I did what I needed to do….neither of us knew this would be it…

The very last thing I said to him was “I’ll see ya later…”

No news is good news… August 12, 2008

…right? Mr. Wonderful is in California on a business trip, and staying for a few extra days. This is somewhat bothersome, because a mutual friend, and someone he’s always been sweet on, lives down there.

OK….someone slap me please. It’s not like this guy is my boyfriend, or that I even have a right to be suspicious! This is what irritates me…I wasn’t even into him until all this happened….until HE intitiated it. I know what it is…my lack of self-confidence. I appear to be super confident, outgoing and social. But underneath that, I am constantly wondering if people like me…if I’m good enough…if someone will stick around, for me….and most of the time, my answer is no. So, this leads me to hang on way too tight…and the dude feels understandably suffocated and backs off. So, I am making a conscious effort NOT to push shit with this guy….but c’mon, give me a fucking sign or something! I’m totally obssessing, aren’t I? I think this blog is an awesome outlet for my insanity…I’m less likely to project it on other people.

Ok, so back to the self-confidence thing. About ten years ago, I went from 135lbs to 201lbs in about a year. It was horrible…but that would happen if you have a chef for a husband! Ever since then, I have struggled. I’ve lost most of that weight…but I am no longer the toned, fit volleyball player that I once was…and I can’t seem to get over that. Whenever someone gives me a compliment…my thoughts are along the lines of “yeah, right…what do they want out of me” or “they’re just being nice” …I never take it face value and always question the motives behind the compliment….and certain people see that with my barrage of questions to put a confirmation on the compliment. It’s annoying and retarded…

So, I’ve stopped most of that…but it’s a constant struggle.

Oops….just got paged that I have a patient waiting…more later.

Whoa man…like, whoa. August 11, 2008

Interesting evening after my last post. Just before I drift off to sleep, I decide to check my email one last time. I see an email from the ex-boyfriend…oh god, NOW WHAT?!?. The body of the email explains that he “ate a bunch of psychedelic mushrooms and is “tripping out…dude…everything is psychedelic man.”

For a moment…I get nostalgic, and remember the trippy times I had back in the day…loooong before I became a chemical dependency counselor….but this quickly passes as I also recall the “trip” when I thought my eyes and mouth were glued shut and I was left to deal with my own thoughts for six hours…and that put a stop to my nostalgia.

So…to entertain myself, I proceed to trip him out further…nothing sinister…just enough to humor myself and to make him pay for keeping me up at 11pm.  He went on and on about how messed up it was that Bernic Mac & Isaac Hayes were dead…and then proceeded to pour his heart out and say he loved me…wanted me to hold him in my arms….etc.

It was at that point that I ended the email and went to bed. I mean, I still love the guy…there’s a physical attraction….but he always wants to go to the next level, tripping on ’shrooms or not. Just let it be…

I am happy I’m away from that chaos. If it wasn’t psychedelics, it was some other substance…almost every night. Imagine this…the stress of dealing with addicts all day, only to come home and deal with it too?!? Thank GOD that’s over. Not only did it give me constant anxiety, but it was difficult to justify dealing with this because of my profession. Had I known these issues prior to our relationship, there would’ve been no way I would have gone any futher with it.

It’s good to watch all of this from a distance…and having the peace knowing if I don’t want to deal with him…I can just not answer his emails or see him….ahhh…..free at last.

Weekend Developments… August 11, 2008

Started the weekend right…got to go to my friend’s house in Lake Stevens for their weekly bonfires. It was also the first time that tyhe ex and I would both be at the same function with our friends. To get technical, they were his friends first…but they’ve made it clear that they don’t see it that way. They all came along at a time when I needed people to make me laugh…and oh my god…they make me laugh! They’ll are VERY talented, and inventive musicians and I feel honored to be a part of that group. Just to give you a taste…this is a song all the boys came up with…totally spontaneous…

http://www.myspace.com/localjunkies

So the ex and I talked, were civil and all is now right in that little situation. He really is a good guy…he’s just a shitty boyfriend. He has some great qualities, and I’m seeing those again, just this time as a friend…which is a good, good thing!

My last post included a situation with a “friend” who suddenly decided to reveal his feelings for me….and since that encounter….nada. Well kids, it hasn’t got much better.

Last weekend we hung out at his place…did the whole red wine/listening to vinyl records. It was nice, and we hung for a few hours…until he got like violently ill! Before this…we were making very uncomfortable small talk. I cannot make sense of him…I have no clue what the fuck he’s thinking and it’s getting almost annoying at this point. Not once has he brought it up, or made any comments or “moves” than that first fateful encounter.

So last night, go to see him perform (he’s a musician) at this cool Irish Pub in Seattle. I walked in as they’re performing….and he zooms in right on me and loudly announces “hey, it’s Sydney” as I walked by the stage…very embarassing. So the band takes a break to mingle..and everytime I could see him coming towards my end of the bar..I panicked and briskly walked outside for a smoke. Now…remember, this is my perspective…he may not been coming to talk to me but I wasn’t chancing it.

He finally catches me, tells me how happy he is that I made it and gives me a suspiciously long hug. Now…this is the totally sweet part. I’m sitting there laughing my ass off about something (and if ya’ll know me, you know my laugh is VERY distinct) and I turn my head and he’s standing there looking right at me and smiling…then quickly turned away when he saw that he was caught. It was so sweet and genuine…he was watching me…ME! Ok….so that’s good, right? Well, that was about all I got…said goodbye and left.

I don’t get it…he’s not bringing this up, and I’m sure not going to. It’s not my place right??? He opened this can of worms, so he should figure it out. I’m starting to think that he was just curious…got to experience what it was like…and is done….and that infuriates me. BUT, I also know that he doesn’t have a history or doing that and that he and I are friends above all else. So…why would you do that to a friend? Was I just a novelty item? God I hope not…

So I am just at a loss. I am NOT ready for a “relationship” per se…but if one can evolve slowly, then I’m down….but I may never know. Is he waiting for me? Thinking that I’m skittish? That I make a mistake? I am geuinely perplexed by this. So…I’ll check back on this in a few weeks when we hang again.

Spent most of the day laying on my couch and being lazy, listening to music. Here are a few bands you should check out…music is my saving grace…without it I can’t function!

-The Cold War Kids

-Radiohead

-The Future Fossils

-Trip Like Animals

 

All can be found on MySpace…check em out!

 

Ok…so next blog I figure I will give you the lowdown on my life so far…the autobiographical blog…prepare yourselves, it’s EPIC

Coming out of the woodwork… August 7, 2008

So I finally made the decision to end an extremely toxic relationship about 1 1/2 months ago. We lived together and, after months of major drama, I woke up and realized “Hey…I don’t need this!” and said good bye. We still talk, and have hung out a few times since…and I kick myself every time, because there is still an attraction there. It’s hard to let go…but now that he’s out of my apartment, it’s a lot easier to set boundaries.

So I’ve been feeling good about being single. I get to sleep in the middle of my kick ass bed, can go do whatever I want, whenever I want. Of course I am open to dating guys…just taking it VERY slow and just having fun…hey, we’re all adults here, it’s ok to play around a little!

Previous boyfriends, crushes, guy friends….they have all started to come around again. It’s like I have a fucking beacon on my head that sends out a signal that I’m “available.” I mean c’mon guys…it’s kind of obvious what the goal is….and sometimes I fall for it…and then I end up feeling like an idiot. The worst ones that get me are the guy “friends” I have who suddenly reveal that they’ve had feelings for me for quite some time….and decide to reveal it NOW….now, when I am not ready for a relationship?!? Seriously?

It always from the perspective of “hey, I’m single and so are you…and there’s tension, so why not release it?” Apparently, men don’t think about what the end result could be, like…I don’t know…someone ends up hurt, and then the friendship is completely messed up.

Case in point…been friends with this great guy for about ten years…used to work with him. Have always thought he was attractive, awesome…but I somehow thought he was out of my league…and I was married and in relationships (as was he) for most of our friendship.

We hung out in early winter, during a time when my boyfriend and I had broke up…which ended up being a temporary deal. I remember going out for drinks, lounging on his couch, listening to records…it was awesome…and I had no clue. Fast forward about three weeks ago…he calls says “it’s a dangerous time”…meaning he’s sexually frustrated, and wants to hang. I’m still naive…thinking to myself “well, maybe we’ll get drunk and flirt or whatever…but no way is anything physical going to happen.”

Four blood orange margaritas (me) and I don’t know how many vodka-soda water things (him)…the tension become more intense, and comes the revelation that he is attracted to me…and has been for years…and was hoping something would happen a few months back! WHAAAAAT? So of course I’m questioning this..telling him he’s drunk, has no concept of what he’s saying, etc…but he’s consistent in his answers.

Go back to his place… some stuff happens…it was awesome…totally lived up to my expectations. Go to work the next day…sit down…and suddenly I kind of panic…”Oh God….what did I do?!?” and I’m pretty sure he was thinking the same thing.

We’ve hung out once since then…texted a few times…but it’s looking like he feels he made a mistake. So that stings and makes me feel like an idiot. But, it may be something different, like he thinks I’m backing off…or whatever. It bothers me that I’m even entertaining this, and these feelings I surpressed long ago have resurfaced….yep, I’m a sucker. Now is the friendship doomed if this akwardness continues???

I am way too chicken shit to bring this whole situation up…and I have no clue if he ever will…so it’s a little unnerving. He is truly one of my closest friends…so now what?

I am street smart, intellectual and witty…I “get shit”…but when it comes to all of this stuff…I am completely retarded. I never see the precursors, the “signs”…and now I am the one who has feelings and is afraid to reveal them….

Ain’t that a bitch…

I am going to do this differently….I am not going to force the issue or conversation to happen…and just continue to be friends unless he says something…in a sober state of mind…next time. That is the only way I would be ok with this…and any other proposition that comes my way….

…more to come…

Intro to Chaos August 7, 2008

So there is a trend among my coworkers to start blogging….so I’m getting on board. I spend all day talking to people…trying to help sort out their lives. By the time I get home, I have aboslutely no desire to talk out loud…it’s all about texting, messaging, emailing…etc.

So, this is a good way to go…but first, a few warnings:

-I am brutally honest…I’m not about to start holding anything back now.

-I will not publish names, unless of course it’s in a positive light.

So here we go…this is going to be interesting. Hopefully I’ll follow through and write on this fucking thing on a regular basis!