Clarity & Confusion October 8, 2008

Since my last post, there have been many new revelations which have provided me with clarity…but also extreme confusion.

9/29-Went to see The Cold War Kids perform an acoustic set at Easy Street Records (awesome), then saw the full show at the Showbox (FUCKIN’ AWESOME). If you haven’t heard these guys, check em out. It was probably one of the best shows I have been to in awhile…and I’ve been to a lot of shows. I went with singer dude (see previous posts for more info) “as friends”…we both really like the band so why not, right?  Dude…the confusion begins. He is now unsure of this relationship he went for “because it’s long distance.” The pattern continues…so he proceeds to flirt with me mercilessly the entire show…and, don’t get me wrong…it was fun, and it wasn’t going to go past that…well, I should’ve known better…the texing has resumed, and the temptation is there…I can’t do that again, I just can’t….but damn, I want to.

I have to learn to be ok with myself without having to receive attention from the male species. It has gotten me into a LOT of trouble lately…but easier said than done….thank God for therapy.

The rest of this past week has gotten even weirder. My ex found out I was seeing other people and suddenly had this epiphany that he had fucked up majorly and was going to smother and pursue me. I gotta hand it to him…he is really trying and really working on his behavior….but I don’t know if I can go back to the “in love” phase with him. He has been an emotional mess and, even though he denies it, is hoping we get back together. I have said that I am not sure what I want, but it’s not deterring him…I have repeatedly told him that this “change” needs to be consistant, and long term…but I wonder if I’ll even be convinced then? Then what do I do? Guess I just needs to wait and see…but it is an uncomfortable feeling. Seems like everytime I make a vow to be single, I allow this boys to come back and complicate my life….I do it to myself….”my pain is self-chosen.”

I dunno….I just feel alone and uncomfortable. I feel like no matter what direction I choose, I will hurt someone…but I should really focus on avoiding hurting myself rather than others.

Hmmmm, what else? Work’s wearing me out…and so are some of my coworkers. I’m really amazed at how snotty and rude people can be….to both our patients AND peers…it’s ridiculous and it takes every ounce of me not to give them the cold shoulder or tell them what I really think….grrr.

In good company… September 26, 2008

So yesterday afternoon was a total waste, plus I felt horribly ashamed of myself (see previous posting). Although I wanted nothing more than to get back into bed and forget about my day, I had plans. My friend, who’s quickly becoming more, had invited me to a play at the Seattle Repertory Theatre “The Night Watcher.” I’m not really into one-person plays, but he invited me and I wanted to show him that yes, I am sort of “cultured.”

The play wasn’t spectacular, but it was an interesting, true story….I am glad I checked it out.

Went home and quickly drifted to sleep. I’m now back at work, waiting for my patient to show up and kind of hoping she doesn’t so that I can get a much needed mocha and get down to business.

That was kind of a pointless blog, but whatever.

Welcome to my life…. September 25, 2008

So yesterday evening I went with my mom to this place, Theatro ZinZanni (sp?) for her 60th birthday. I was pretty sure that this was going to be the cheesiest thing ever….but it ended up being super fucking rad. It’s beasically a five course meal accompanied with circus, cabaret and comedy….just go, it’s worth the money.

So had an amazing time, blazed through about 2 bottles of red wine with my mom….drove home (way wrong choice) and ended up at my apartment trashed and laughing my ass off at my man friend who had stopped by…had amazing sex (at least that’s what I remember) and passed out….

I slowly opened my eyes this morning and felt a screaming headache coming on. It was 4am, almost time to get up so I headed back to bed for a minute….a long minute. Wake up again….it’s 10AM!!! I sort of panic, but go to my purse to get my phone to call into work….no fucking phone, NO GODDAMN phone. In my drunken stupor, I left that damn phone in the restroom. So I waltz into my office at 11am, and am totally ashamed of myself…I’m not a slacker but I am sure I look like one.

So here I am…totally unmotivated and about to go home. Grrrrr.

I also realized that my brother’s birthday is this Saturday….he would’ve been 26yrs old…total bummer. I feel bad for my mom, because her birthday is only a few days from his and I can only imagine how difficult it is. We had a “birthday party” for him last year….and I’m sorry, but it was just creepy and bizarre. Here we are, singing “Happy Birthday” over a cake….faking smiles…it was weird. This is going to sound impersonal, but there are no more birthdays for Tanner….he’s dead, gone…not getting older.

Anyway…yeah.

Is it me? September 24, 2008

So the drama continues…I am at a loss. The ex and I just can’t seem to get along, which is both of our faults…but damn, talk about cheap shots.

Some of my closest friends are people I met through him over a year ago when we first got together. They have become an important part of my life and I love them dearly. Since this break up started however, I haven’t been present at too many shindigs….partly because I wasn’t invited due to the ex being there, or because I just felt weird. We were a unit, and now we’re not. And, as much as I hate to admit it, it gets to me when he’s doing his own thing and seemingly ignoring me…so I choose to avoid those situations. He knows how to push my buttons, and right now he’s playing the “these are my friends” game and making me feel pretty left out. Now he’s saying that some of these friends have said I have changed somehow….yet can’t seem to articulate what or why they think that. It makes me feel like there’s some serious game playing going on and it hurts and angers me to no end.

The main concept of our relationship is “do as I say, not as I do.” The rules only apply to me, not to him. I am guilty of my own drama, and I’m trying to put it to rest but it’s starting up again.

People come into our lives for a reason….and as much as I sometimes wish I had never met the guy, I have to give him credit for introducing me to some amazing people…and for showing me what I DON’T want in a man. Still….I miss and mourn what I thought he was, what we were. It wasn’t real and we both convinced ourselves that it was.

So we’re stuck in this destructive mode…eye for an eye-type mentality. I just want to forget this and move on….but there are too many things that make this wish impossible.

I have realized that I know nothing about love or relationships…I need to redefine what those two concepts mean to me, because I want to truly be in love and have it be good, comfortable, and safe. Part f this will involve me being much more selective in the future….we’ll see.

Yeah….you do that. September 11, 2008

I am starting to wonder when my life will be drama-free? Seriously…listen to this shit. So my current roommate and I were very good friends. I had worked with him at my previous job, and when I needed a roommate, it seemed like the perfect fit.

I am not a perfect roommate. I am messy, my dog is messy and there was a lot of drama between my ex and I during the time both he (and the roommate) were living here. I had apologized profusely, asked the ex to move out….NONE of this was ever brought up as a problem by my roommate. He’s just as messy as I am, we had a good time hanging out and things were good…..then he got a girlfriend.

My roommate has a habit of being with girls that’s he’s not crazy about, but the women are so desparate that they’ll do whatever they can to keep this douchebag around. The end result is that he receives money, food, clothing, free trips, etc….he is NOT a handsome guy, and these women are usually older. He was set up by a friend of his, and had sai he wasn’t too stoked, but when the perks started rolling in, he changed his tune. Whatever, his love life is his business…if he wants to roll that way, cool. I had a lot of nights by myself since they were spending every waking minute together.

He is 30yrs old, chronic pot smoker, and has worked the same $12.00 per hour job for years. He has no bills, not even a checking account….but he was cool, or so I thought.

Last month, I asked for the rent via a text, since he wasn’t home….no answer….asked again, a vague answer, finally it’s revealed that he’ll have to pay mid-month….2wks late. I’m kind of annoyed…I mean, the dude is having everything paid for him by this chick….there’s really no excuse for it.

I must add that I have not held him to paying his half of the cable or his fair share if electricity…he’d kick in 1/3, because there were three people here….now there’s two, so he agreed that last month he’d start paying his half.

So this month rolls around, he pays rent on time…I send him a text reminding him of the utilities. I get a text back saying “FUCK YOU….you’re making me out to be a deadbeat and I’m not…I’m moving out.” WHAAAAAAAAAAT? He then proceeds to give me vague reasons as to why he’s moving out (mixed in with many expletives) and ends the evening saying “you need to think about the things you do.”

Ok….those who know me know I analyze my own behavior ALL the time. There was never a problem brought up before I simply asked him for the fucking money he owed me. I was surprised and pissed….this guy was my friend? He was going to bail….BECAUSE I ASKED HIM TO PAY?!?”

So last night I get a call from an old coworker…and guess what? The fucker is moving in WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND!!! Makes sense…he wanted out of here, didn’t have a good reason, so proceeded to create an issue just to get out. He has been with this chick for about a month….I guarantee you he’s smoozed his way in, and I am 99.9% sure he’s not having to pay rent.

So basically….I was friends with a shady, fake, moocher….he owes me a lot for utilities…and he’s bailing in 3 days….leaving me two weeks to find a new roommate. This could’ve been easily resolved….we had NEVER had a disagreement before this…he’s fucking crazy.

In a way though, this will be good. I am getting a roomie off of Craigslist…so I’ll feel more pressure to keep things tidy….let’s hope this next roommate isn’t a fake-ass man bitch. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Oh wow… September 1, 2008

So it’s been a minute since I posted something new…and FUCK…a lot of revelations, stress, and kick ass things have been going on. So try to follow me here…

Ok, let’s go back to last Thursday. The musician dude and I made plans for Sunday to hang. I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not to talk to him about what happened, and whether or not it was just a drunk moment or something more….I was truly thinking the latter based on the length of our friendship and the specific and genuine things he’s been saying to me. Thursday I went out with some old work colleages and got the unsettling truth….he’s a dick….he doesn’t know he’s a dick…but a dick nonetheless.

I hear that this is a pattern…he chases, he conquers, he backs off…but if you happen to get him in a “relationship”, he’ll stick it out for a few months and THEN end it…leaving the chick totally heartbroken. Then get this…after you’re gone and over it, he considers you “the one that got away.” So yeah…he’s got some issues to resolve. My friends both say that he let “a lot of awesome women go….don’t be a casualty….RUN.”

So Sunday comes around…and suddenly, a friend of his was in town “so we better reschedule.” Wow…I am truly an idiot. Yes, it was ONE time….yes, I had NO expectations at the time…yes, I was intoxicated…yes I said I didn’t want a relationship….but now that I know that I was just a conquest, I am hurt and feeling super used…and I don’t know if I can handle being his friend. I am definitely NOT having “the talk” with him now…it’s pointless and would probably make me feel more rejected. I am resentful, because these feelings I now have for him never would’ve surfaced had he not disclosed what he was feeling and intending. So here I am…feeling pretty icky about this whole thing.

Fast forward to four nights ago…he invites me over, it’s fun….and then, this dreaded subject comes up. He tells me he’s “really into someone”….and that it’s not me. This has been going on since August 2nd apparently. He says the chemistry between him and I is “undeniable”, but that he has to explore this other relationship. THEN he proceeds to call her while I’m there! So yeah…I left with this feeling of confusion, rejection…but also a sense of relief. I know now what he’s all about…and it sucks. He was a friend….we crossed that line….and now it’s weird….grrrrr…when will I ever learn?

Haven’t heard from him since then…and quite frankly, it’s ok….he’s simply not the guy for me….I know that now….but damn, I cant help but think what could’ve been.

 

Ah fuck it….who needs a drink?

Background check… August 14, 2008

I was sitting at my desk today, and the framed picture next to my computer caught eye. I stared for a brief moment, then was called to the lobby to get a patient. He’s a new patient of mine, but I feel like I know a lot of his story already. A few weeks back while doing his intake paperwork, he told me that his brother had recently died of a heroin overdose…

I had almost forgot…had almost been able to go for days without thinking about it…about him…and then I guy I don’t even know reminds me that I have a similar story.

June 2nd 2007…

I was getting ready to go out to a local bar to see a show. My cell phone rings and the caller id shows it’s my mom…which I tend to ignore if I’m busy because she’s talks endlessly. The voicemail icon pops up and I decide to check it. I hear my stepdad, telling me to call him “right away” and hear what I think is my mom laughing. So I call, and as the phone is ringing…I realize that she wasn’t laughing…she was sobbing…wailing actually….I knew why, I just knew. My hand starting shaking when I figured it out…then Ken answered…more wailing in the background…a pause that seems to last forever…”Syd….they found Tanner about a half hour ago…he was by himself.”

I remember dropping the phone and screaming…I couldn’t stand up…I couldn’t move. I remembered this feeling when Tan overdosed a few years back…except this time, no one had been there to save him. My heart hurt…and all I wanted at that very moment, was to hug him and see him…alive. That moment when you know that’s not going to happen is the worst feeling I have ever felt. I felt it at 12 yrs old when my dad died, and it felt that same way 15 yrs later.

Tanner was my baby brother, my only sibling…we loved like family, and we fucking fought like family. In recent years, we had bonded…become friends…best friends really. There were always interruptions…like when he discovered Oxy’s…then heroin…then Xanax and Klonopin…back to heroin…it was a cycle that I know all too well…but I was less patient and understanding with my brother than I am with patients. Three years ago, almost to the day, he was at inpatient treatment after a near fatal overdose. A healthy guy on life support for three days due to the massive amounts of drugs he consumed the night before (Xanax, Klonopin, Heroin, Methadone, Oxy’s). When they pulled the breathing tube out, his first words to me were “so what did you do with my pills…you didn’t throw them away did you?”

I had to be escorted out of the ICU because I nearly strangled him…how dare he…but hey, he got to sleep the entire time….he didn’t have to experience what his friends and family did. My parents spent $12,000 on inpatient treatment…he relapsed the day he got out. His addiction fucked with him…he’d beg for my sisterly help, then pull away when I reached out. I finally got sick of it…got sick of worrying constantly of being treated like shit, of not living my own life because I was consumed with his.

He got arrested for the first time…an assault charge…his insane girlfriend and him were kicking the shit out of each other and the neighbors called the cops. Tan called, his bitch girlfriend called…all wanting me to bail him out. I refused…and so did my mom thank God.

I went to the bail hearing…in walks Tan…red jumpsuit, disheveled, dope sick…unaware that I’m there. I got up the nerve to ask the judge to send him back to inpatient, get him on methadone…SOMETHING…a week earlier he had been telling me how badly he wanted to stop using and that if he could afford it, he’d go….so why not ask the county to pay for it? It was a no-go…

I’ll never forget Tan’s face…the look of betrayal…of hate. Just one week earlier, he was asking for help…now he was pissed that I asked, and even more enraged that I refused to bail him out. I mouthed “I love you Tan….I’m just trying to help you.” He rolled his eyes as he was being led out….that was the last time I saw him alive…and it fucks with me daily.

In the months that followed, we refused to speak to each other. He blamed me for his stint in jail, and for my ex-husband moving back to the East Coast (they had grown very close)…we were both stubborn and bitter. I think we were both asking the same question “Why weren’t you there to support me?” For once, I had wanted him to be there for me as I had been there for him so many times…but he couldn’t…the drugs needed him more. I didn’t see that…I just saw an asshole junkie of a brother who had used me.

I thought about him daily…I knew he was using…I knew his relationship with drugs and his girlfriend were killing him…and I thought about picking up the phone so many times…but I never did…I held out.

He called May 31st. I screamed at him…unleashed four months of resentment and sadness. He was calm for once…said he loved me “and we’re all we’ve got Syd…we gotta make this right ok?” I relented and begrudgingly agreed….it was not the best conversation on my end.

He had to go to work…said he loved me…asked, begged for me to call him back in the evening and made plans to go to lunch.

That was it…we were supposed to meet Saturday, June 2nd….he had already been dead for 12 hours. His roommate found him, face down, wedged between his bed and the dresser. He says he stood there for awhile watching Tanner to see if he was breathing….he wasn’t and his arms were splotchy and blue. He called my mom, then called 911…who made him go “check his mouth.” He pulled back Tan’s long hair and saw something no 21 yr old kid should see. His face purple from the blood settling in his face…eyes grey….you get the picture.

SPD came and treated Tanner like they would any typical junkie…my brother…treated like a fucking crime scene…trashing his room, walking over his body…fucked up shit.

The last time I saw Tanner was at the funeral home…it wasn’t right. He looked great actually…but he shouldn’t have been laying there lifeless. He made the choice to play with his life…he knew not to mix heroin and Xanax….WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT ANYWAY?!? Because he was an addict…the goal is to push the limit…and he assumed that because he’d done it before, he could do it again….great pharmacist right? He had every intention of waking up…I know this is the depth of my soul. I am thankful that his last moments were oblivious to him…that he didn’t panic or struggle…he just drifted to sleep. 24years old….goddammit. Why him? Why our family? Haven’t we suffered enough? But it wasn’t about us…it was about Tanner struggling practically his whole life…and he struggle ended before he had lost all his friends, alienated his family, lost his home…etc. Obviously God saw that the outcome for Tanner would never be sobriety and decided to show some mercy on his soul….that’s the only way I can justify this without wanting to freak the fuck out.

So I have those picture in my office to remind me…to show a little extra care to the young guys who come into my office, to show the patience that I never could with Tanner. I see his gorgeous face..his infectious smile….I feel his energy from those pictures…he was almost to good to be true…to everyone. Patients ask about him…”oh how old is he?” I always say he “would have been” 25….and that’s usually opens the door to a little discussion. Ironically, it’s ALWAYS the young guys who see his picture and ask about him…

His smile makes me smile…then my eyes well up and I try to fight the incredible feeling of sadness and guilt. It wasn’t my job to save him…and I know I did what I needed to do….neither of us knew this would be it…

The very last thing I said to him was “I’ll see ya later…”

No news is good news… August 12, 2008

…right? Mr. Wonderful is in California on a business trip, and staying for a few extra days. This is somewhat bothersome, because a mutual friend, and someone he’s always been sweet on, lives down there.

OK….someone slap me please. It’s not like this guy is my boyfriend, or that I even have a right to be suspicious! This is what irritates me…I wasn’t even into him until all this happened….until HE intitiated it. I know what it is…my lack of self-confidence. I appear to be super confident, outgoing and social. But underneath that, I am constantly wondering if people like me…if I’m good enough…if someone will stick around, for me….and most of the time, my answer is no. So, this leads me to hang on way too tight…and the dude feels understandably suffocated and backs off. So, I am making a conscious effort NOT to push shit with this guy….but c’mon, give me a fucking sign or something! I’m totally obssessing, aren’t I? I think this blog is an awesome outlet for my insanity…I’m less likely to project it on other people.

Ok, so back to the self-confidence thing. About ten years ago, I went from 135lbs to 201lbs in about a year. It was horrible…but that would happen if you have a chef for a husband! Ever since then, I have struggled. I’ve lost most of that weight…but I am no longer the toned, fit volleyball player that I once was…and I can’t seem to get over that. Whenever someone gives me a compliment…my thoughts are along the lines of “yeah, right…what do they want out of me” or “they’re just being nice” …I never take it face value and always question the motives behind the compliment….and certain people see that with my barrage of questions to put a confirmation on the compliment. It’s annoying and retarded…

So, I’ve stopped most of that…but it’s a constant struggle.

Oops….just got paged that I have a patient waiting…more later.

Whoa man…like, whoa. August 11, 2008

Interesting evening after my last post. Just before I drift off to sleep, I decide to check my email one last time. I see an email from the ex-boyfriend…oh god, NOW WHAT?!?. The body of the email explains that he “ate a bunch of psychedelic mushrooms and is “tripping out…dude…everything is psychedelic man.”

For a moment…I get nostalgic, and remember the trippy times I had back in the day…loooong before I became a chemical dependency counselor….but this quickly passes as I also recall the “trip” when I thought my eyes and mouth were glued shut and I was left to deal with my own thoughts for six hours…and that put a stop to my nostalgia.

So…to entertain myself, I proceed to trip him out further…nothing sinister…just enough to humor myself and to make him pay for keeping me up at 11pm.  He went on and on about how messed up it was that Bernic Mac & Isaac Hayes were dead…and then proceeded to pour his heart out and say he loved me…wanted me to hold him in my arms….etc.

It was at that point that I ended the email and went to bed. I mean, I still love the guy…there’s a physical attraction….but he always wants to go to the next level, tripping on ’shrooms or not. Just let it be…

I am happy I’m away from that chaos. If it wasn’t psychedelics, it was some other substance…almost every night. Imagine this…the stress of dealing with addicts all day, only to come home and deal with it too?!? Thank GOD that’s over. Not only did it give me constant anxiety, but it was difficult to justify dealing with this because of my profession. Had I known these issues prior to our relationship, there would’ve been no way I would have gone any futher with it.

It’s good to watch all of this from a distance…and having the peace knowing if I don’t want to deal with him…I can just not answer his emails or see him….ahhh…..free at last.

Weekend Developments… August 11, 2008

Started the weekend right…got to go to my friend’s house in Lake Stevens for their weekly bonfires. It was also the first time that tyhe ex and I would both be at the same function with our friends. To get technical, they were his friends first…but they’ve made it clear that they don’t see it that way. They all came along at a time when I needed people to make me laugh…and oh my god…they make me laugh! They’ll are VERY talented, and inventive musicians and I feel honored to be a part of that group. Just to give you a taste…this is a song all the boys came up with…totally spontaneous…

http://www.myspace.com/localjunkies

So the ex and I talked, were civil and all is now right in that little situation. He really is a good guy…he’s just a shitty boyfriend. He has some great qualities, and I’m seeing those again, just this time as a friend…which is a good, good thing!

My last post included a situation with a “friend” who suddenly decided to reveal his feelings for me….and since that encounter….nada. Well kids, it hasn’t got much better.

Last weekend we hung out at his place…did the whole red wine/listening to vinyl records. It was nice, and we hung for a few hours…until he got like violently ill! Before this…we were making very uncomfortable small talk. I cannot make sense of him…I have no clue what the fuck he’s thinking and it’s getting almost annoying at this point. Not once has he brought it up, or made any comments or “moves” than that first fateful encounter.

So last night, go to see him perform (he’s a musician) at this cool Irish Pub in Seattle. I walked in as they’re performing….and he zooms in right on me and loudly announces “hey, it’s Sydney” as I walked by the stage…very embarassing. So the band takes a break to mingle..and everytime I could see him coming towards my end of the bar..I panicked and briskly walked outside for a smoke. Now…remember, this is my perspective…he may not been coming to talk to me but I wasn’t chancing it.

He finally catches me, tells me how happy he is that I made it and gives me a suspiciously long hug. Now…this is the totally sweet part. I’m sitting there laughing my ass off about something (and if ya’ll know me, you know my laugh is VERY distinct) and I turn my head and he’s standing there looking right at me and smiling…then quickly turned away when he saw that he was caught. It was so sweet and genuine…he was watching me…ME! Ok….so that’s good, right? Well, that was about all I got…said goodbye and left.

I don’t get it…he’s not bringing this up, and I’m sure not going to. It’s not my place right??? He opened this can of worms, so he should figure it out. I’m starting to think that he was just curious…got to experience what it was like…and is done….and that infuriates me. BUT, I also know that he doesn’t have a history or doing that and that he and I are friends above all else. So…why would you do that to a friend? Was I just a novelty item? God I hope not…

So I am just at a loss. I am NOT ready for a “relationship” per se…but if one can evolve slowly, then I’m down….but I may never know. Is he waiting for me? Thinking that I’m skittish? That I make a mistake? I am geuinely perplexed by this. So…I’ll check back on this in a few weeks when we hang again.

Spent most of the day laying on my couch and being lazy, listening to music. Here are a few bands you should check out…music is my saving grace…without it I can’t function!

-The Cold War Kids

-Radiohead

-The Future Fossils

-Trip Like Animals

 

All can be found on MySpace…check em out!

 

Ok…so next blog I figure I will give you the lowdown on my life so far…the autobiographical blog…prepare yourselves, it’s EPIC